The booth has reviewed both rosters and would like to speak to a manager. Either one. Dead heat on the standings page: To Infinity and Bijan 5-2, The Milkman 5-2. Somebody's about to learn which .500 team was lying. Let's see whose projections were lies.
Ladies and gentlemen, a football game. Allegedly. Adil brings a 4-3 record. Okashah brings 2-5 and a dream. The booth has seen the dream's film. The dream should be benched. One of you is about to be a cautionary tale. The booth thanks you in advance.
Every week I say it can't get dumber. Every week this league accepts the challenge. Records: 3-4 and 2-5. Identical enough that both fanbases — populations of one — are equally nervous. Whatever happens, remember: the booth predicted it, retroactively, with confidence.
The scoreboard is warming up and so is my disappointment. Mustafa rolls in at 6-1 while Zaid is dragging a 2-5 record behind them like a busted trailer hitch. The metrics say mismatch. The metrics are being polite. Waiver Sniper rides a 3-game heater into this one. Regression is undefeated, but sure, enjoy the moment. May the best roster win, and may the worst manager notice.
Two game plans walk in. Statistically, at least one of them is a coin with feelings. Raventus (2-5) versus CRASHEE RICE (3-4). Vegas calls this a pick'em. I call it mutually assured mediocrity. Ahmad rides a 3-game skid into this one, and the vibes in that locker room — a phone, in a pocket — are grim. Sunday will sort this out the way it sorts everything: rudely.
History will remember this game. Briefly. Then it will remember something funnier. Bookmakers would call Black Ts (5-2) a heavy favorite over I LaPorted the Nabers (3-4). This league would call that an invitation for chaos. Losers of 3 straight, I LaPorted the Nabers is one more bad Sunday from the booth calling it a lifestyle. Somebody tell the benches to stay warm. They usually outscore the starters around here.
